When Enough is THE END

Pic from Shrink4Men
Photo from Shrink for Men

Today's confrontational abuse marks the last straw I had for this sibling relationship. This is not a decision sprung from an emotional state of mind nor was it an impulse. I am not one who makes decision in such manner. All in the name of being just, logic and living without regret.

So, with a stable and valid mental state, weighing on the damages and duration of endurance, devising multiple coherent and peaceful methods in hope of improvement, all arrows are pointing toward accelerated hostility and backstabbing (public display of malice) directed on me. This time, I have our mother's consent for me to sever this toxicity completely from my life. Although I must add, our mother did try her usual opening lines like, "You know she has temper and abusive words like your father...", "..can you wait till I die before you two...".

Well, I stood my ground after laying in plain sight to my mother, what she has witnessed I've done (enduring) and how her behavior has eroded beyond moral rights. I begged her, please do not let me live the other half of my life enduring this TOXIC. I want to be happy and stop giving someone like her the chance to bring me down. She went silent and nodded.

When that was done, we started discussing about my near future plan with my fiancé. At the end of my updating, mother said, "In truth, I want YOU to take care of my golden years. Look at your (ex)sis like that, how can I entrust my remaining living years to her (mood swings)?".

I cut her short from her worries and said,

"Of course! I eat bread, you eat bread. We do our best to live justly, free from debts, to our very last breath as long as you are willing to live according to this principle of mine. No need farcical status (face) and pay through our noses in debt.... (and more philosophical and righteous ways of life ensue)"

Back to the backstory of the original subject in question. Two years of ignoring her mood swings and belittling manner when I do need to engage in a verbal contact have failed to lessen her aggression towards me.

Two years ago, in an outing with our mother, she once again, lashes out at me with full humiliating with no regard of public audiences. On this rare occasion, I stood up to her verbal abuses as she has overstepped her boundaries from behaving like this towards me in the enclosed area (home) to an escalated state of public display. That was when my mum gave me the consent to ignore this toxic sibling to avoid collateral damage by her insane mood swings. Ignore her tantrums throwing and hostile retort - Granted.

I kept quiet, steer clear her paths and even walked away in silent humiliation each time she strikes me down with her words when I DO need to have a verbal contact with her; e.g., mum asked me to asks C.T if she wants to eat, etc.

So, despite my extreme endurance for the passed two years, things didn't get better. It worsen. Not restricted to only her tantrums throwing increases frequency and elevated acidity of her words, she posted xxxx in FB which was hidden from our mother and I, but not my other friends. I've learnt of that only after I asked my mum did she sees xxxx on her FB post. Mum couldn't see the mentioned post and went on to said, in surprised agitation of how untrue the content (C.T has written) is as mentioned by my friends who read it. Mum agreed that C.T's post is devoid of truth and let's just let it rest, again.

The above incidents are only the major highlights which happened recently. I will drop the whole history timeline details prior to the above mentioned to avoid turning this post into an actual novel! Which started in year 2001, the time when I left the house because of her.

I have no need to let this post bores intent to spite the person I am severing my ties with. I have no expectation of positive feedback on anything I said or done as proven from the past, good or bad, from her. The very act of severing tie is just that. Non existential. No affiliation. No relation. No NEED.

Sharing the same last name doesn't gives one a lifetime getaway ticket on all wrong doings. The antonym of love is INDIFFERENT.

This is my responsible answer to people whom I treasured and in turn, have make my life thus far, filled with positivities and assurances. I am fine. Finally. I am liberated. There will be difficulties in the future which needed delicate handling to not put our mother in a fix. But, those difficulties will not be as (life and sanity) damaging as the past or worse, letting matters prolonged.

Just Google search "Cut ties with toxic sibling" and you will know I am not alone in this.

So, I shall end this post with some worthy excerpts I can relate to from Carol au courant.

No matter how strained, intolerable, and/or abusive the relationship is, it's still a difficult decision to make.

Careful decisions need to be made quickly because the relationship is likely causing irreparable harm. Keeping the tips below in mind will also help.

For my sanity, of course. For that itself is the essence to quality of life, innit?

There's an old saying the psychology business, "The best prediction of future behavior, is past behavior". Having an extensive history is what hurts the most when breaking up with a family member, but having history makes it easier to make an informed decision.

My act is not impulsive but one with history before an informed decision is made.

...sometimes if your role is without respect and includes extra helpings of psychological abuse, the family needs you as a scapegoat and escaping that role may be next to impossible.

Been there, done that.

Ideally, family should be based on unconditional love WITHIN reason. If you're not feeling the love, then what are you feeling?

Answer: Floormat.

Are there any boundaries? One thing many families have in common is a lack of boundaries- they say what they want, do what they want and respect is nowhere in sight. Somehow people equate no (or lack of) boundaries with unconditional love....If you're still in the indecisive phase, setting boundaries now can help you decide whether this person respects you. How much are you willing to endure? Usually the problem family member is the one who completely disregards boundaries.

This is a very important factor in many relationships we can all apply! BOUNDARIES. I, too, am 100% a believer in unconditional love must have boundaries! Without boundaries, all hells will break loose! Go think!

It is more difficult, of course, to break close family ties, but those can be the ones that damage us the most.

Red alert!

Possible resolution? Ideally, major issues between family members should be discussed and resolved, but I bet you've been there, done that. Finality is something you have the power to decide.

Many people get confused and think their parents or family they were born into is more important than the new family of their own. This is wrong. Your wife and/or husband now take precedence over your mom and/or dad. Your current family is the priority. If old family members are harming your current family- your kids and spouse- then you are responsible for their well-being and action must be taken.

Like I've always said! Just look at the overwhelming amount of married couples. Look at your parents and your friends' parents. It is the most obvious even at generation(s) before us! Don't let your parent tell you otherwise. Observe and analyse them yourself. Actions do speak louder. Theirs are tested and proven results. Do they let their families which they were born into take precedence over the one they made you? If so, did you observe what are the (majority) results of those marriages? Divorce? Unhappy and unhealthy marriages? Absolute respect and harmonious living amongst all?

Something to consider though, if you want a husband like your father, will you not act like your mother, subconsciously or intended. But in this case, you dislike your mother. So what will you do? Will you become the very person you dislike in order to be the wife to the husband you want to attract to? Or will you create your own preferences, especially to avoid becoming the person you dislike, and knowing you will find a man who falls in love with exactly what you are, bad or good. Hmm...

Now, the checklist on When it is OK to cut the ties:

  • ✓The relationship is physically or mentally abusive. Don't downplay the effects of mental abuse, especially long-term.
  • ✓It causes enough stress that it effects important aspects/areas of your life, like work or home life. You find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about the sour relationship and losing sleep over it.
  • ✓The relationship is one-sided when there is no valid reason why there can't be effort from the other person.
  • ✓The family member is taking you down with them. Don't get involved in risky business and legal trouble, even if they are family.
  • ✓The person is using gossip, manipulation, etc to control you and/or other family members against you.
  • ✓The only contact with them is negative. They only call to bring you down and put you down too.
  • ✓There are negative consequences every time this family member doesn't get what they want from you.
  • ✓They play childish games; silent treatment- there is no talking to them, their way or no way, and spreading rumors about you.

Excerpts from jscarbo124 I can relate to:

We are the only two children... We have a mother who is afraid of confrontation, and thus spent much time saying things such as "don't let her get you down", "she doesn't really mean it", and "let's keep from arguing - just be the bigger person and drop it, OK?".

Closed ones, if you want details of what blown the last straw out today, you know how to reach me.

10 May 2013



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